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One year, Mikey’s mom came to his house for the traditional Thanksgiving feast. Knowing how dumb Mikey is, his mother decided to play a trick on him. She told him she needed something from the store and off Mikey went. While he was gone, his mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey, then re-stuffed it. Later, when it was time for dinner, she asked Mikey to pull the turkey out of the oven and carve it.
Dumb Mikey, always wanting to please his mommy was anxious and excited to be able to do this. He pulled the turkey out of the oven and removed the stuffing. Next, he reached in and to his surprise pulled out the smaller bird. His mother looked at him and exclaimed, “Mikey, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” Mikey was mortified and started to sob . . . never realizing that turkeys don’t get pregnant . . . they lay eggs.
One day, while a Mikey was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Mikey to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to Mikey’s car and slashed the tires. Dumb Mikey started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed his windshield. This time Mikey laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all his windows and keyed his car. Dumb Mikey is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks him what's so funny. Mikey giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Last winter it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Mikey left his office and was going home. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation. Then finally remembered his mommy’s advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snowplow went by and he started to follow it.
As he followed the snowplow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if Mikey was all right as he had been following him for a long time. Mikey said that he was fine and told him of his mommy’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and he could continue if Mikey wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Mikey and his new girlfriend were in a heated discussion about the choice of colors in his living room. Being as cheap as he is, the walls really are ugly colors because he was able to get huge discounts for the paint at the local hardware store. However, on this particular morning, his girlfriend challenges him and he thinks to himself, “I’ll show her, I’ll paint the living room while she’s away at work.”
When she returns home at 5:30 she finds Mikey lying in a pool of sweat in the middle of the living room floor. She also notices that he is wearing a ski jacket with a parka over the top of it. So she asks him, “What the heck are you doing?” Mikey with an exhausted look on his face replies, “I decided to paint the living room today, and the directions on the paint can said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
A volunteer at the United Way in Arlington noticed recently that Mikey, with all his wealth, had not made any contributions. The volunteer thought, with all this money, he surely would want to donate something. So he calls Mikey up and says, “according to our research, you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so? Mikey responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The volunteer is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The volunteer is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The volunteer is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Mikey wanted to impress his new girlfriend after getting divorced because his first wife thought he was “dumb.” So he said to her, “Honey, lets play some Trivial Pursuit.” She readily agrees and sets up the board. Being the gentleman that he is, Mikey rolls the dice first and lands on “Science and Nature.” His girlfriend selects the card and reads the question to him, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” Mikey scrunches his face and thinks about it and finally asks . . .”is the vacuum on or off?”
Returning home from work, Mikey is shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. Mikey telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Mikey ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Mikey moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A woman wanted to get the inside of her house painted. She called a contractor in to help her. As they went around the house, she specified the color for each room. She said, “Now in the living room, I'd like to have neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nodded, pulled out his note pad, and wrote on it. Then he went to the window, leaned out, and yelled, "Green side up!" The woman found this strange, but didn't say anything. Next, they went into the dining room. She said, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nodded, pulled out his pad, and wrote on it. Then he went to the window, leaned out, and yelled, "Green side up!
"The woman was perplexed, but still she said nothing. In the bedroom she said, "In here, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nodded, wrote on his pad, and once more yelled out the window, "Green side up!" This was too much for the woman, so she asked, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green Side Up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shook his head and replied, "I have Mikey laying sod across the street."
Dumb Mikey is in a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom, “I'm sorry; one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.” Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. Mikey turns to the blonde sitting beside him and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
Mikey was walking down Wilson Street in Arlington with his girlfriend the other day when he spotted a sign in a store window that said, “Suits, $5 each, Shirts, $2 each, and Trousers, $2.50 per pair.” Being Mikey, he wanted to show his girlfriend how smart he is, so he said to her, “Honey, check this out, I am going to go in here and buy tons of these clothes and make us a huge profit.” As he starts to walk in the store, he continues by saying to her, “Now, babe, you just let me do all the talking.” His girlfriend smirked, said nothing and just followed him in.
When he gets inside, Mikey says to the man behind the counter, “Okay buddy, I’ll take 50 of the $5 suits, 100 of the $2 shirts and 50 of the trousers at $2.50.” The man looks up and smiles and says, “You must be Mikey, I’ve heard a lot about you in the NOVA-Antiques Newsletter.” Mikey is all proud of himself and smiles until he hears the man say, “The problem though Mikey, is that this is a drycleaners, not a retail store.”
Mikey decided he was going to take his girlfriend on a romantic getaway to Virginia Beach. Just the two of them . . . all alone. He was really excited and couldn’t wait to get there. On Friday evening they checked into the Marriott and Mikey told his girlfriend, “I going to jump in the shower.” She told him, “That’s a great idea honey. I want to go down to the bar though and have a nice drink. Will you join me after your shower?” Mikey says he will and off to the shower he goes.
An hour later, his girlfriend is sitting at the bar, sipping on her wine, getting annoyed that Mikey is taking so long. She calls the room and Mikey is sobbing. “Baby, what wrong?” she asks. “I can’t get out of the room,” says Mikey. When she asks why, he proceeds to tell her, “Well, there are only three doors in the room. One is the bathroom, another is the closet and the last one says “Do not disturb.”
Mikey hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of his index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked him. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the Mikey replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No Doctor!" the Mikey said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $50.00 for this shirt, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $500.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Mikey wanted to get married again but needed money for the wedding. So he gets the bright idea of asking the lord for help. He goes to church and prays, “Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery tonight.” That evening he goes home and watches the news to see, to his disappointment, he did not win the lottery. The next day, he goes back to the church and prays, “Dear Lord, I don’t know if you heard me yesterday, but I need money to get married, please let me win the lottery tonight.”
Again he goes home and watches the news, again to his dismay; he has not won the lottery. He goes back to church a third day in a row and this time closes his eyes tighter and prays a little louder, “Dear Lord, I have been her twice and you have not answered my prayers. All I am asking is to win the lottery so I can get married.” Out of nowhere a big booming voice finally answered him, “Mikey, I’ve worked many a miracle, but you cheapskate, you have to play the lottery in order for me let you win.”