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Dumb Mikey Cooks the Thanksgiving Birds – October 12, 2006
One year, Mikey’s mom came to his house for the traditional Thanksgiving
feast. Knowing how dumb Mikey is, his mother decided to play a trick on him. She told him she needed something from the
store and off Mikey went. While he was gone, his mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, inserted a Cornish
hen into the turkey, then re-stuffed it. Later, when it was time for dinner, she asked Mikey to pull the turkey out of the oven and
carve it.
Dumb Mikey, always wanting to please his mommy was anxious and excited to be able to do this. He pulled the turkey out of the
oven and removed the stuffing. Next, he reached in and to his surprise pulled out the smaller bird. His mother looked
at him and exclaimed, “Mikey, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” Mikey was mortified and started to sob . . . never realizing that
turkeys don’t get pregnant . . . they lay eggs.
Dumb Mikey Laughs and Giggles – September 28, 2006
One day, while a Mikey was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's
driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He
told Mikey to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to Mikey’s car and slashed the tires. Dumb Mikey
started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed his windshield. This time Mikey laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke
all his windows and keyed his car. Dumb Mikey is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks him what's so funny. Mikey giggles
and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Dumb Mikey and the Snow Plow – September 14,
2006
Last winter it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Mikey left his office and
was going home. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and
thought about his situation. Then finally remembered his mommy’s advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for
a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made him feel much better and sure enough
in a little while, a snowplow went by and he started to follow it.
As he followed the snowplow, he was feeling very smug as they continued
and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the
snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window. The snowplow driver
wanted to know if Mikey was all right as he had been following him for a long time. Mikey said that he was fine and told him of his
mommy’s advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and he could continue if
Mikey wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Dumb Mikey Paints the Living Room – August 24, 2006
Mikey and his new girlfriend were in a heated discussion about the choice
of colors in his living room. Being as cheap as he is, the walls really are ugly colors because he was able to get huge discounts
for the paint at the local hardware store. However, on this particular morning, his girlfriend challenges him and he thinks
to himself, “I’ll show her, I’ll paint the living room while she’s away at work.”
When she returns home at 5:30 she finds Mikey lying in a pool of sweat in the middle of the living room floor. She also notices
that he is wearing a ski jacket with a parka over the top of it. So she asks him, “What the heck are you doing?” Mikey
with an exhausted look on his face replies, “I decided to paint the living room today, and the directions on the paint can said, ‘For
best results, put on two coats.’”
Dumb Mikey’s Contributions – August 10, 2006
A volunteer at the United Way in Arlington noticed recently that Mikey, with all his wealth,
had not made any contributions. The volunteer thought, with all this money, he surely would want to donate something. So he
calls Mikey up and says, “according to our research, you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so? Mikey responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year
just to stay alive?"
The volunteer is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that
my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The volunteer is feeling
quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job
and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The volunteer is completely humiliated at this point. "I
am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Dumb
Mikey Plays Trivial Pursuit – July 27, 2006
Mikey wanted to impress his new girlfriend after getting divorced because his first wife
thought he was “dumb.” So he said to her, “Honey, lets play some Trivial Pursuit.” She readily agrees and sets up the board. Being the gentleman that he is, Mikey rolls the dice first and lands on “Science and Nature.” His girlfriend selects the
card and reads the question to him, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” Mikey scrunches his
face and thinks about it and finally asks . . .”is the vacuum on or off?”
Dumb Mikey Files a Report – July 13, 2006
Returning
home from work, Mikey is shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. Mikey telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the
K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Mikey ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Mikey moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Dumb Mikey Laying Sod – June 29, 2006
A woman wanted to get the inside of her house painted. She called a contractor in to help her.
As they went around the house, she specified the color for each room. She said, “Now in the living room, I'd like to have neutral
beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nodded, pulled out his note pad, and wrote on it. Then he went to the window, leaned out,
and yelled, "Green side up!" The woman found this strange, but didn't say anything. Next, they went into the dining room. She said,
"In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nodded, pulled out his pad, and
wrote on it. Then he went to the window, leaned out, and yelled, "Green side up!
"The woman was perplexed, but still she said nothing. In the bedroom she said, "In here, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nodded, wrote on his pad, and once more yelled out the window, "Green side up!" This was too much for the woman, so
she asked, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green Side Up.' What on earth does
that mean?" The contractor shook his head and replied, "I have Mikey laying sod across the street."
Dumb Mikey in an Airplane – June 15, 2006
Dumb Mikey is in a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud
bang. The pilot announces over the intercom, “I'm sorry; one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.” Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. Mikey turns to the blonde sitting
beside him and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”
Dumb Mikey’s Business (Non)Sense – May 25,
2006
Mikey was walking down Wilson Street in Arlington with his girlfriend the other day when he spotted a sign in a store window that
said, “Suits, $5 each, Shirts, $2 each, and Trousers, $2.50 per pair.” Being Mikey, he wanted to show his girlfriend how
smart he is, so he said to her, “Honey, check this out, I am going to go in here and buy tons of these clothes and make us a huge
profit.” As he starts to walk in the store, he continues by saying to her, “Now, babe, you just let me do all the talking.” His girlfriend smirked, said nothing and just followed him in.
When he gets inside, Mikey says to the man behind the counter,
“Okay buddy, I’ll take 50 of the $5 suits, 100 of the $2 shirts and 50 of the trousers at $2.50.” The man looks up and smiles and
says, “You must be Mikey, I’ve heard a lot about you in the NOVA-Antiques Newsletter.” Mikey is all proud of himself and smiles
until he hears the man say, “The problem though Mikey, is that this is a drycleaners, not a retail store.”
Dumb Mikey’s Romantic
Get-a-way – April 20, 2006
Mikey decided he was going to take his girlfriend on a romantic getaway to Virginia Beach. Just the
two of them . . . all alone. He was really excited and couldn’t wait to get there. On Friday evening they checked into
the Marriott and Mikey told his girlfriend, “I going to jump in the shower.” She told him, “That’s a great idea honey. I want
to go down to the bar though and have a nice drink. Will you join me after your shower?” Mikey says he will and off to
the shower he goes.
An hour later, his girlfriend is sitting at the bar, sipping on her wine, getting annoyed that Mikey is taking
so long. She calls the room and Mikey is sobbing. “Baby, what wrong?” she asks. “I can’t get out of the room,” says
Mikey. When she asks why, he proceeds to tell her, “Well, there are only three doors in the room. One is the bathroom,
another is the closet and the last one says “Do not disturb.”
Dumb Mikey Gets Shot – March 23, 2006
Mikey hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of his index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked him. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the Mikey replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No Doctor!" the Mikey said. "First
I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $50.00 for this shirt, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $500.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Dumb Mikey Asks the Lord for Help – March 2, 2006
Mikey wanted to get married again but needed money for the wedding. So he gets
the bright idea of asking the lord for help. He goes to church and prays, “Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery tonight.” That evening he goes home and watches the news to see, to his disappointment, he did not win the lottery. The next day, he goes
back to the church and prays, “Dear Lord, I don’t know if you heard me yesterday, but I need money to get married, please let me win
the lottery tonight.”
Again he goes home and watches the news, again to his dismay; he has not won the lottery. He goes back
to church a third day in a row and this time closes his eyes tighter and prays a little louder, “Dear Lord, I have been her twice
and you have not answered my prayers. All I am asking is to win the lottery so I can get married.” Out of nowhere a big
booming voice finally answered him, “Mikey, I’ve worked many a miracle, but you cheapskate, you have to play the lottery in order
for me let you win.”
